| Prozac Nation |
[Mar. 2nd, 2006|10:01 am] |
"you are never allowed to forget your mistakes."
"The shortness of life, I keep saying, makes everything seem pointless when i think about the longness of death."
"Then you are pushed off the assmbly lline all fresh and spanking new, ready to start all over again."
"less of a triangle, and more of a happy circle."
"Whats wrong with this picture? I mean, who died and left me in charge?"
"Pass the pills and fancy plants/Give us this day out daily trance."
Theres nothing I hate more
then nothing
Nothing keeps me up at night
I toss and turn over nothing
Nothing could cause a great
big fight
Eddie Brickell
"Nothing"
"But standing here in this stuffy pool room, I remind myself that it was I who was suffocating."
"I dont know if I'm running because i'm scared or if I'm scared beacuase I'm rnning."
"I might as well be Dorothy. clicking the heels of my ruby slippers together, repeating the words Theres no place like home, if only we were in OZ."
"I know I have really fucked up big time.
I know that nothing is as it should be, nothing is even the way I wish it would be. I've slept through my grandparents visit, I might as well sleep through the rest of my life, and I am so horrified that I let out he loudest scream I've ever made."
"I was sure that if I went to sleep I would wake up dead."
People like us,who believe in physics,know that the distruction between Past, Present, and Future is only a stubornly persistent illusion.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
"Anytime your kids kill you, you are at least partly to blame." |
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| um..I have no clue what I was thinking |
[Feb. 15th, 2006|06:14 pm] |
Ok so I erased a few confesions im ny journal at home because Robin was going to read them. I think I know why I did that. I guess I wasnt sure that if she read them she would stick around. She might think what the fuck what a freak. Or something like that but yesturday was V-Day and well i still dont know if Im ready to share. I mean actually just stepping out and saying what you want to hear. Or whats been bothering. Or what im trying to hide.
Ok so the poems that I used to write are all about death and dying there pretty dark if you ask me. it was a really hard time in my life. I mean Im trying to blame other people for my wrong doingd but what happened just...Fuck I dont know how to just come out and say it. Theres so much to say and I dont know where to begin fuck I dont know where the begining is.
Ok so I think it began the begining of 2005. I was still with Amanda. This is when all the fun began. When I got to know her. What she didnt tell me up front. She pulled me in let me get attached before she shows me the real her. So that ill stay and not leave her cuz ill feel sorry for her. Well her little plan worked Fuck it worked a little to well. We were together fo r 5 fucking months that was hell you have no idea. At that point she had already cheated on me once with my bestfriends brother. I was shocked she would do something like that. but at the same time I wasnt at all. I believe she had already been in the hospital 3 or 4 times already for trying to kill herself. Sad part Iv been on the phone while it had happened. Fuck Shes tryed to do it so many times. Truthfully not to be mean but I would be surprised if she was still alive today. During the whole relationship there was never a nice moment I MEAN NEVER. Well maybe when we first met. This brings me back to the whole I can get anyone I want at anytime. Well I hapen to have gotten the wrong person at the time. I had a thing for goths to so that mad even worse. I pretty much had it coming. I knew I deserved so much better but I really didnt want to go looking for it at the time. Or just sit around waiting for it to come to me. So I just took what I could get right then and there and it happened to be her. My friends got to know her better then me to some extent. And they warned me to get out of the rekationship as soon as possible, but being hard headed I stayed. All I had on the brain was sex and thats all I wanted. But then I got to know her as well as my friends had but it was to lat by then. Or was it? Maybe I was just to scared, and the fact I thought I was in love but I was blinded. It was like I had a sheet over my eyes that covered the whole picture. kinda like photography, a photographer has freedom yet they dont at the same time. They choose what they want people to see and what they want to leave out. They can show the whole picture or just a small view of something abstract. Kinda like how I was. I didnt stand back and look at the bullshit I was in. I few days ago I found a binder full of the notes she had writen me. I think I saved them to remind me. Of what I dont know. I guess to remind me I deserve so much better. The whole relationship was a lie. She didnt love me like I thought she did. She didnt care how I felt or what I did to cover up what was bothering me. She just needed someone to pay attention to her. She needed someone there to feel sorry for her. But that had to change. But it didnt end soon enough. When I realized I didnt have to deal with her anymore it felt so good. Like I was free. Like the chain around my neck was removed.
But getting rid of her was the hardest part. No not really that was easy a little to easy. I told her to fuck off. ok so there was a little more to it but I dont remember what it was.
You know I was supposed to tell you my confesion but what I really did was just give you a sad story. There was a point to this I promise. well I didnt teel yuo how I covered up what I was feeling. The reason why my mother got me a therapist. I used to make myspelf bleed. I thinking about all the was I tryed to do it, it was stupid. But I really had no one to turn to to talk to about this I mean I only talked to the lady once every twe weeks. it wasnt enough. I told her almost everything. She thought it was my family. And the way they treated me the way they would act when they get mad at me. Eventhough I might have brough that onto myself the therapist I was seeing thought I was just blaming everything on myself. But I found the real reason I was the way I was. it was HER. I needed to get rid of her. Get far from her. Everything she did affected me some way some how. But she said something that I should have listened to right then and there but I didnt, she said that I deserved better. and I did. Now I have Robin.
OMG I feel so much better now that I have that out in the open Im just worrying about what Robin might think of this holy fuck breathe nikki breathe. ok im good. its all gravy. |
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| FUCK |
[Feb. 7th, 2006|10:14 am] |
Hmm first journal ntry in a long long time esspecially on this sn. I have a lot going on right now and honestly I dont know how to make it all better. I feel as though I started it all but Robin feels as though she fucked it all up. Gah. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
I COULD GO ON FOREVER OOO OPPS CAPS my bad. |
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